Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt,
needs to watch their backs. So you've had your Labour,
reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally,
literally taking the grass from its own roots!
Now you've got your ConDemNation,
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know,
we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester
and they charge us for water?!
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times...
Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!
It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now!
Paaaarty!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
'Some people say parenting's the hardest thing in the world.'
Cilla, it's too early, darling, go back to bed.
Do you want your brekkie then?
'Those people have never brokered major drug deals
'between gangs of Scouse and Mancs,
'robbed post offices or smuggled a mobile phone
'and charger in Strangeways.
'Mothering's a natural thing.
'It's not something you need to work at, you just do it.
'Make sure they're fed, watered, pick 'em up if they fall over
'and other than that...'
Eat that, then sleep. Night!
'Make sure they do as they're told.'
If I'm up, every fucker's up.
Fire!
Quick! There's a big fuck-off fire, people are dying!
Please, someone, help!
Morning Frank!
Morning, Pillhead. Another warehouse project last night, was it?
Yeah, man. Yeah, man.
Eh, don't forget.
Boss man!
This is Cheryl, our latest newbie.
You'll show her the ropes, won't you,
as our longest serving team member?
I've only been here a week!
Everything going OK? Yep?
Walk this way. And what we say is...
Have a greaaaaaat day.
Do you think you could find a bigger chair?!
Yeah, tell me about it!
Drop it down your end.
Not you!
For God's sake, why don't you just pick the bleeding thing up?!
Why won't you do what I ask?!
Right, sit there.
What's going on?
He won't do his drawing at the table so there's felt tip all over.
Right, you sit there, and you're drinking that juice.
He's only a baby.
He's wrecking the place! Look!
It's not funny, Mimi!
But it kind of is.
What, drawing a co -?
Rocket.
Drawing a rocket all over the doors and all over the walls isn't right.
Karen, boys will be boys.
Our Micky was always drawing c... rockets.
He was obsessed with 'em, draw 'em morning till night.
There was rockets here, there, they were all over the place!
They weren't all over your living room walls. It's not normal!
He's only a kid.
What is the point of us buying nice furniture,
trying to make the place look good, when he just trashes it?
You need to show him who's boss. Give him a little smack.
What, and you think that's what he needs?
Give you a tap on the arse, didn't do you any harm, did it?
I've been such a naughty boy.
Oof! Naughtier than that!
Yeah.
Well, me and Jamie don't believe in hitting, do we?
Give over. You two have knocked out half of Chatsworth.
Hitting Connor.
Fair but firm. Kids need structure, boundaries and rules.
Connor, no!
Aren't you supposed to be at school?
It's only assembly and shit like that.
Doesn't matter what it is. Get your arse down there
before education start banging on us door again. Now!
All right, keep your wig on.
I mean it, Aidan, we don't need the hassle.
Yeah, yeah.
Show off in front of your mate and you'll get a boot up the arse, lad.
She's not bad your mum. I'd well slip her one.
She ain't my mum! She's just some prozzie who crashes here.
I wanted to go to uni.
Why didn't you?
There's not much point nowadays, is there?
Was there ever?
What are yous doing out there?!
Just showing Cheryl the ropes, you know, like you said.
Got to get her up to speed on the rule book, haven't we?
Well, can you carry on inside? It's the lunchtime rush. I need you on the counter.
I'm on my way.
Look, hold up. We're just grabbing a fresh lung full of, you know,
and we'll be right there. Wesley!
Be quick! Yeah.
If they're a bit short-staffed, shouldn't we just...?
What's the worst that can happen?
Some lard-arse is going to be two minutes late getting their burger?
Can't have management throwing their weight around, can we? Wankers.
Oi! That fucking chair is completely stuck now!
Robbed the library?
Free The Child, Free the Mother, haha!
"By Professor Alex Yates."
Got some really good ideas, actually.
"You and your child will discover the secret
"to smash through the glass ceiling and unlock the gateway
"to a new world of freedom, happiness and success."
No harm in having a little bit of help.
Eh, ease up, will you? You know she's struggling.
I told her, kids needs rules! I brought you up on strict rules.
Never done you any harm.
You broke my rules, mate,
so now I've got to break something of yours, yeah?
No!
Oh, no!
Get us a vodka.
Just don't let it spin out of control, Mam.
I know what you're fucking like.
I doubt he meant it.
Oh, he meant it all right.
I mean, maybe he meant it affectionately?
"Just some prozzie who crashes here"? How is that affectionate?
His mum's a prost... hooker?
Sex worker.
Sex worker. So maybe he just don't know any different.
He thinks all women are prostitutes?
Yeah, could be.
I'm going to have to work on him.
But you're a woman and a pros...
sex worker...
Mayo the burgers, wrap 'em up, get em out.
Mayo the burgers, wrap 'em up, get... Pillhead?!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fucking hell!
Rinse them under the tap.
We're going to have to shut the shop down!
If we're closed, we don't get paid.
Shut down, everyone. Shut it down.
What's the problem?
Aside from him chucking up in the deep fat fryer, nothing!
What, in there?!
I told him I felt rough.
We'll have to kill the fryer, cool the oil, drain, clean...
Whoa, whoa! We don't have to do that.
There are health and safety issues. This is a breach of guidelines.
I'm on full wages...
It's all in the handbook. Chapter three, subsection B, "Bodily fluids."
This is a code red. I need to close the shop.
If you shut it down, you won't hit your targets.
It's boiling fat, nothing can live in there.
Just scoop the lumps out and carry on.
Yeah, if we knew it was contaminated, we'd drain it
but if we didn't know...?
I couldn't...
You're out front serving customers. You don't know about it, do you?
It'll all be fine. Trust me.
You, go and stick your head in the fridge.
Cheryl front of house with Tracy. Akeeba, that's right, fresh fries.
Wesley, you clear that up. Come on!
Big time.
Anyone for pakora?
Come on!
World of Burger, World of Pleasure. Mm-hmm.
Oh-ho! Well done, Teamsters!
Right, come on, smokers, fill your lungs.
You can cover for us, can't you? I'm in charge!
Yeah, course you are.
50 quid for a moggy.
I'm brassic and this stupid lunatic
is offering 50 fucking quid for a furball.
Stupid like that, aren't they? They get all emotional over daft shit.
If they're on their moon.
Nah, man, my policy's sorted.
In-and-out, no involvement, no trouble, no fucking headache.
Drop your cocks and grab your socks, we are off to the flicks.
I'm taking you to see a film.
Him, not you, and no, don't touch your penis.
No, you can't get the fucking staff.
Hey, Teamsters!
We've got a shift on. Come on, let's get a, er, shift on.
Ooh, er - wait up, Frank.
You're not on the counter this afternoon,
I've got something more suited to your talents.
'World of Burgers chicken deal!'
World of Burgers chicken deal! World of Burgers, the ultimate chicken.
Fills you up, doesn't let you down.
Come on, love, fair is fowl and fowl is fair.
You do not want to know what two Cokes just cost me!
This so-called cinema is so far up its own fucking arse,
they don't even sell popcorn!
We could've went to a normal pictures,
with normal films like normal people.
This has a strong woman in the lead,
cos sometimes films just show women as pieces of meat.
Oh.
Women aren't just pieces of meat.
We're a lot more than that.
Yeah. We've got our differences.
Men and women, yeah, not just shagging...
we've got, like, different roles.
Yeah.
They go way back like when we were cavemen and that.
Yeah, but that's not exclusive to men.
Yeah but women,
women just stayed in the caves, carrying wood,
looking after the kids and cooking the men's food.
But times have changed, haven't they?
It's not really like that any more, is it?
No. Men sign on and go to the pub
while women fuck around with their nails.
Can I have a shot?
You're under aged.
Oh. And how old were you when you started?
C'mon.
Shane.
Y'ello.
I'm a good mum, aren't I?
Aren't I?
Yeah.
Well, you don't seem too sure.
Well, you're the only one I've had, aren't you?
I've no-one else to compare you to.
I've been good to you lot.
Except for the time you stashed drugs in Mandy's dolls, yeah.
Taught her about safe places.
And when you took Mickey prison visiting
when he was ten years old, and you left him in Strangeways.
Taught him to respect authority.
Mmm.
All in all, I've done a pretty good job.
Ha! See you later.
I hit these targets and I'll be up for the new outlet
at the Trafford Centre,
and that would mean that there'd be a vacancy right here
for some bright young go-getter.
Well, we could, erm, celebrate the restaurant's birthday?
Pretend it's been here five years or something?
We could celebrate the restaurant's birthday!
Decorate it with balloons, and wear party hats,
and play disco music, you know, Agadoo and all that...
what do you think?
Yeah.
Yeah. That's a great idea, yeah.
Burger me! Sorry.
OK, Frankie?
How did it go?
Great!
Here you go.
I've got to do me fucking job here, y'know what I mean?
Hold that.
It was a proper, proper laugh!
And I met this bloke dressed as a pint, promoting this pub,
and he gave me all these beer tokens - for all of us!
Brilliant!
Take the costume off, Frank, you look like a cock.
Back to work!
20 fags, please, Ches.
It's just meat, Lillian, just meat.
They should say "meat", then.
But they do...
halal "meat".
Er, hello?
But why can't they just say "meat"?
Because it's halal!
Connor!
Jesus, Karen, control him, can't you?
Sorry, Ches.
One just grabs this sign and went "My big cock", y'know?
Yeah, I fucking get it.
Oi!
You're not automatically entitled to cigarette breaks, you know.
They're at my discretion.
Balloons.
500. We had a pump, but...
it's broken.
Get blowing, Frank.
You're joking?
Ah, fantastic!
Well done, team Sirs.
Come on, balloons all round.
This isn't DIY fucking SOS!
It's just an old man blowing up some balloons, right?
Get back to work, all of you!
It's just a bit of teamwork, you know. You ought to celebrate that.
Now, remember, team,
as you scrub to within an inch of your lives,
that this is all Frank Gallagher's fault.
I've done nothing wrong!
I'm the manager.
Not you - me!
And no more fag breaks.
Looked dead interesting - what d'you reckon?
It had subtitles.
And?
Is that it? Is that the extent of your review?
OK... I thought it was a very interesting take on gender politics,
and a muscular piece of film-making...
You're just reading that from the poster, aren't you?
Yeah!
Bag of shite, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Come on, let's go get wasted.
Yesss!
You stay there and you do not move, cos God help me,
I will knock you into next week - got it?!
Karen?!
He won't do as he's told. He's wrecking the place.
He's a baby, Karen! Shouting at him's not going to help, is it?
Well according to your mother, it is.
I have to show him who is the boss!
Well, what happened to the positive parenting thing you were doing, eh?
Here you go, darling.
You draw all over the walls, draw all over the ceilings.
Do what you want, because I don't care any more.
Mummy is going to be positive!
Easy, innit?
Connor!!
Ahhh.
My mum was a proper good-time girl.
But she drank her looks away and the fellas pissed off.
She got depressed.
She wouldn't go out or anything.
Was like that till she died.
What about yours?
A slag.
And a smackhead.
There's got to be more to her than that.
No - that's it, the whole story.
She loves you.
Yeah, right.
She must do. She brought you up, looked after you.
I was put in care.
Seven families in three years.
She had loads of chances to clean up.
Medication, counselling, support.
All that shit. She couldn't do it.
So they swiped me.
So, despite her addiction,
and all the nasty crap that goes with it...
she never gave you up.
Tried to hold onto you.
They took you.
Must've really loved you.
Fuck it.
It's history, anyway.
So, you're stuck wi' me now, are you?
For better or worse!
I knew this would get out of hand.
She's all over the place because of you.
It's not my fault! I only gave her a bit of motherly advice.
Why not try getting your own house in order before you start helping anyone else?
I'm qualified, thank you very much. I've had seven kids!
And where are they all now, Mum, eh? There's only me, Shane and Cilla left.
Karen's big enough to admit we're struggling with Connor,
and she's trying to do something about it. But you,
you think you're perfect, Mam, and you're not, you're not.
Somewhere along the line, you've failed every fucking one of us.
So do us a favour and read that fucking book yourself!
Just be a couple more minutes.
What the fuck?
Frank?
What's going on?
I'm sorry, it's not...
everything's just kind of slowed down a little bit.
Ever since you binned fag breaks.
Woooo-hoooo.
Haaaaave a grrrrreat day.
This is insubordination!
There's nothing in here that tells us what speed we need to work at.
You're fired!
Oh, unfortunately, you can't.
Having successfully completed my trial period,
you can only issue me with a warning
for unprofessional or gross misconduct,
bringing the company into disrepute,
harming or potentially harming the company,
the company logo or any of its employees.
You could launch an investigation,
but you'd have to suspend me with full pay first.
Fucking European Union.
Well, it's the only union we've got left, mate.
We are a team.
All of you?
All of us.
I'm part of that team!
Nah, you're management, mate.
OK.
Have it your way.
Welcome to management, Frank.
That's an extra 30 quid a week for you.
Come on, team!
Well, the only thing that I think we need is a happy team,
so put some choons on and have a laugh - sorted.
Oh, and fag breaks are back on.
Have one whenever you want.
S'all right with you, innit?
Do whatever you want.
As long as that lot gets sorted before you clock off.
Staff hours, orders,
rotas. You'll have plenty of time,
providing your team run the kitchen and counter OK.
Oh, and as you'll know from paragraph three,
sub-section C of the company handbook,
"failure to complete and file paperwork
"is an immediate sackable offence."
Tough at the top, eh, Frank?
Cunt.
Tch-tch-tch-tch!
Here, 50 quid!
Tch-tch-tch-tch!
Shit! Come here you, little fuck! Tiger!
Kelly! Kelly!
Y'all right?
I wanted a word.
Yeah? Oh, fuck off, Lillian!
Well, what we talked about, "I've got you now..."
I was wondering if... you want to go out some time, you and me.
What are you going on about, Aidan? I'm fucking busy here!
Is your phone broke?
Look, can we talk about this later?
Sorry I'm late. Traffic were a bitch.
Traffic?
I'd pay you double next month.
I'm not here about that.
It's about your cat, Tiger?
Charity!
Charity, this man's found Tiger.
There you go!
What's...?
That's Tiger.
What's this, some kind of...?
Come on, I'm sure it's him.
A van got him... I think, you know,
judging by the tyre marks across his back.
I think that's his back, anyway... Fuck it!
What about my 50 quid?
In your own time, mate.
Yeah, hang on, give us a minute.
Great.
Erm... Fries, sorry, just...
Is that large fries, is it?
Yes, mate.
There you go, one Mighty Mountain Meal.
Sorry for the wait, I'm a bit...
Well... Hey!
We were just finishing our fag break.
Another one?!
Well, you said we could whenever we wanted to.
Right, no more breaks until further notice.
I've got paperwork to do, you've got targets to hit.
We'll never hit that. And why do you care, anyway?
Just do what I say, I'm the manager.
Line manager, not that you've earned it or owt.
Right, that's it. A verbal warning.
That's not fair!
Well, life isn't fair, sweetheart. Come on, back to work, all of you!
You are as free to be whoever you want to be.
Oh! What in the name of holy shit is that?!
It's a cat. It's dead now.
No shit, CSI Chatsworth! You can't leave that there.
Why not?
Because it's disrespectful.
All right, fair enough.
I'll give the Pope a bell, sort out a full-on fucking Mass for it!
It's dead! Get over it, fuck's sake.
You can't leave that there. Do something with it.
Something respectful, eh?
Creativity, beauty and wonder are free,
just like you.
All right? What's that noise?
What noise?
The banging.
It's Connor.
I locked him in the wardrobe. I'm being a firm parent.
Can't you see how happy it's making us all?
'Something respectful, yeah?'
Excuse me? Excuse me!
Oh.
Oi! Where are you lot going?
Pub.
What, all of you?
You did the rota.
No, you have to stay.
Don't have to.
You're still in your trial period, you're on a verbal warning already.
Leave now and I'll sack you.
Stay or go, it's up to you.
'Children thrive on routine,
'but routine doesn't have to inhibit,
'doesn't have to be a straitjacket.
'A good routine can liberate a child.
'Let the child establish his or her own routine.
'Allow them to take control of their day.'
Cilla?
Cilla?!
Cilla!
CILLA!
Cilla!
Oh! Cilla!
Oh! Hiya!
Oh, hello, gorgeous! Oh!
We should've locked up by now! We're well past closing time.
I'm the manager. I'll decide when it's time to lock up, all right?
All right?
Shouldn't you be doing something?
Necking cheeky Vimtos and rimming Akeeba?
Work-wise.
Right, go on... What?
What?
Just that thing you said about how all management are wankers.
You think I'm a wanker? With a plastic star.
Yeah, one more than you.
Get the fuck dow... ooow!
I said, on the fucking floor now!
Get off me!
Please don't! No, I've got kids, don't!
Frank?
I've got family!
Frank Gallagher?!
Fucking hell!
Shawy?
Fucking hell!
How are you doing, mate?
Yeah, all right... you know. You?
Yeah, yeah, fine.
You work here, then?
I'm the manager.
Line manager! Shut it!
Nice one! Yeah.
I'm dead sorry, mate, but I'm still going to have to rob the gaff.
You understand, don't ya?
Oh... yeah.
Hey! Marty about?
I don't know.
Got you some chippies.
Want a medal?
Aidan!
I'm sorry, I should... Aidan!
Look, we'll do something nice tomorrow. Anything you fancy.
Fucking?
Yeah, I tell you what, let's fuck.
I've got a bit of money stashed, let me know how much you charge.
I'm in deep to a loan shark,
our Amy's getting married next month again,
and Tony needs one of them motorised wheelchairs.
Paralysed himself tombstoning.
Yeah, I heard.
Fucking knobhead!
Times are hard.
You've done all right for yourself, haven't you? Manager?
A proper manager would have locked up, emptied the tills,
put the takings in the safe...
Yeah, yeah...
Shall I clip her? Make it like an accident?
It's a joke.
Hey, any jobs going here? You could put in a word for us.
For you?
You could vouch for us, my trustworthiness and that.
Well, to be honest, I don't think it's going to happen,
not with you robbing us and that.
Right.
But, if you didn't, if you left without that,
then, you know, I could... see what I can do.
A bag of money versus a lifetime of minimum wages working for wankers.
Well, it pays time and half at weekends,
double on bank holidays with a day off in lieu.
You've convinced me!
Oh, please don't, you're going to get caught. There's CCTV cameras.
Eyewitnesses.
You wouldn't shop me, though, would you?
Well, he is the manager.
You're not one of them, Frank. You're one of us.
I'm sorry, mate, I...
Don't.
I'm desperate.
I'll phone the police.
No. It's my call.
What the fuck is going on?
Spinach soup - super food, apparently.
Are you pissed? It's the middle of the fucking night!
Cilla's decided she wants to get up.
Tell her it's not time to get up, like you always do.
I can't!
I'm giving her "her own personal freedom,"
she'll decide her own sleep patterns.
I can hear words coming out your mouth, but they don't make any sense.
I'm just trying to be a good mum!
You are a good mum.
I'm not, I never have been!
And that little girl's my last chance at it!
I think you're a good mum.
Look, I, I...
What the fuck!
Here's the branch manager.
Look, I didn't want to bother you late last night.
We got turned over. I really wanted to fight back but...
they had guns!
I didn't get a chance to get the night safe with the paperwork and the...
turn the CCTV cameras on and...
Why are the police here? What's happened?
Absolute fucking disaster.
"Allow the child to set his own parameters
"within the boundaries laid down by the parents."
All right, that makes sense, kind of.
So what stage is Connor at now?
Stage five, but to be honest I think we got stuck about stage two.
"Failure to progress between stages is a result of
"a lack of parental reinforcement."
She's got it covered.
Yeah, there's some good stuff in here.
Is that right?
"Every child has the potential for greatness" and...
Where's the chapter about drawing cocks on the wall?
Sorry?
Well, what does the professor say about drawing cocks on the wall?
Mmm...
"If you get stuck, go back to the previous chapter."
So, book after book, you read it to the letter.
And if it doesn't work, it's not the book's fault,
it's your fault for not doing it properly.
It's a scam. It's fucking foolproof!
So, I don't have to finish the book?
It's bollocks! We have got a great kid, he's happy.
He draws a few cocks on the wall, so what?
Thank fuck for that.
That one's not actually bad.
Attention to detail.
Hm.
Proportion.
Mm-hm.
Our son is a fucking genius.
Hmm, is he!
Well, I fucked a 15-year-old.
He was dead nervy, it was all over in about 30 seconds.
And how old were you?
14.
Get it over and done with, he'll be that embarrassed,
he won't bother you again.
If you're worried about diddling me out of my commission...
I'm not. Oh, I don't know, I can't just fuck Aidan.
Why not?
Apart from it being register-signing-illegal?
It just wouldn't be right, it'd be like incest or summat!
He's not your blood. Fuck him and move on.
Put me back on flipping burgers and frying... fries.
I want to get the Trafford Centre outlet and I always get what I want,
and whoever helps me achieve my dream is going to end up
running this place.
Whoever helps you will end up running this place?
That's what I said.
How we going to make target now?
Cheryl, change of plan.
What?
Oh, don't. I've tried to get shot of it.
The only way I can get back on the floor is by hitting the targets
and getting fuckhead to the Trafford Centre.
That's never going to happen.
That's a very negative attitude.
Need a word with you.
I'll give you more than a word, sweetheart.
Now.
Are we going to... fuck?
You better believe it, boy.
If you're up to it.
Get undressed. Now!
What, now?
Well, come on, what're you waiting for?
Come on, what's the matter with you?
No, Kelly, stop!
I don't want this.
Well, what do you want?
I want my mum!
Mimi?
Ssh! Cilla's asleep, said she wanted to go night-nights.
Can't disturb her...
This isn't right.
It's in the book, Karen, so it must be right.
I knew nothing before this book, nothing at all.
Mimi...
Keep it down.
I don't want Cilla hearing conflict.
"A butterfly can't float in a war zone."
Mimi. You live on the Chatsworth!
You're a drug dealing, loan-sharking, kneecapping Maguire.
There is no spring meadow for a fucking butterfly to float!
This is an instruction manual on how to live your life,
that's all. It's just ideas and most of them are bollocks!
No, Karen, right.
I nearly lost Cilla yesterday.
I was reading the book, in the park, I looked up and she'd gone.
Now, I could've lost my mind,
thinking she'd been snatched by some paedo, but...
Or, if you hadn't been reading the book,
and doing what you usually do with Cilla,
watching her, playing with her,
being with her, none of it would've happened, full stop.
You've been a mother seven times over. You know what you're doing.
Jamie doesn't think so.
Course he does. Look, he was just looking after me.
He's turned out all right, hasn't he?
Look, so what, you might not be the greatest mother in the world.
Who is? We're all winging it, aren't we?
I'm not your mum.
No.
So, when I let you down, you thought you'd put me in my place.
Just some prozzie who crashes here.
Not really us, though, is it?
Mother and son or fuck buddies?
We've got something different.
I can't promise that I'll be here for you, not all the time.
I've got work, Marty, mates, got a million other things.
But I'll try.
I'll try harder to be better.
Hey! That's a big thing for me to say.
Nod.
Say thank you.
But you've got to try an' all.
You've got to start seeing me as something other than
just a prostitute.
Now come on, let's go get twatted at The Jockey.
You wouldn't really have done it, would you? Shagged me?
You'll never know, will ya?
What're you doing, Shane? The house stinks.
You're going to be the first to see it.
See what?
Little bit of atmos.
What do you think?
City's 1970 European Cup Winners' Cup squad.
Franny Lee, Neil Young, little Colin Bell.
I'm going to sell 'em to the National Football Museum in town.
Colour that chart in, add a zero to the figures and then bingo...
you're away.
Well, nobody knows exactly how much money was robbed!
Head office'll think I've hit targets, insurance pays out,
and I get to the Trafford Centre.
Everybody's happy.
Everything OK?
Yeah! We've just had a little chat, me and Cheryl!
She's a pretty good sounding board for a couple of ideas of mine.
And, it looks like...
She's on her way to running this place.
Really?
Yeah. I'm sorry, Frank.
Come on, Cheryl. Paperwork to do!
Cheer up. Have some pakora.
Hang on - we don't sell pakora.
Peace offering?
Karen says I was a bit hard on you, and she's right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, an' all.
The second you think you know all the answers
is the second you fuck it all up.
She does a good job cos she's scared of getting it wrong.
Yeah, well, she's usually bang on.
Whoa, whoa! There's no need for that! It'll fit through.
Flip it on its side...
You were right. It is the wrong colour.
99 times out of 100, anyway.
We know parenting's hard.
The wee man kicks off every time I try to brush his teeth.
He'll thank you for it one day.
Yeah well, I never thanked you. So...
Thank you.
For brushing your teeth?
Yeah, Mam, for brushing me teeth.
Don't know what you're thanking me for, they're green and manky.
Yeah, well, that's your fault
for buying me sweets after visiting the dentist.
Er, a reward for being brave.
Er, mixed messages.
That's my fucking cat.
Was your cat. Didn't want it, did ya?
Er, that was years ago.
Stuff we didn't know that we know now!
Like sugar rots your fucking teeth, Mam!
You had one fucking chance!
I'm not a fucking dentist! It's not fucking rocket science, is it?!
You were a little twat when you were little!
I was four!
'Like it or not, we're always learning something.
'Someone wants to teach you a lesson
'and put you on a steep learning curve,
'but one day you've got to ask - when's the fucking exam?
'I'm sick of being taught lessons - I just want to be!
'That's all - be!
'My name is Katherine Harmonica Joy Mimi Tutton, and I'm a fuck up.
'But so are you and you and you.
'We're all fucked up, none of us are perfect,
'and none of us know everything,
'and when we all finally fucking learn that
'as our big, fuck-off, last lesson,
'we'll all be able to get on living life and have a great time!'
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
So no news from the National Football Museum, then?
No, not a sausage, funnily enough.
You know what they say, though, don't you?
One man's loss is another man's profit.
You bastard.
Five pound, your Museum Of Pop, five pound!